if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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