btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
