Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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