dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
