So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
