I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
