btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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