I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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