the condom got lost in my hair
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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