Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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