i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
