So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
