Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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