My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
