Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
