He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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