Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
