actually, I'm a sock model
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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