We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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