Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
