i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
