I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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