My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
