so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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