yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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