During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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