Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
