cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
