Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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