Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
the day after is always just damage control
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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