He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
