I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I look better un-naked...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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