the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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