so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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