I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Randomize
