So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize