Jerry, you need to find god
They should really pass out barf bags in church
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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