You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
