come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize