as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
