my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
