I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
