Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
