I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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