omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
ttyl tear gas
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
