batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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