This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
