I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm always down for nudity.
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