I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
