I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
