so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
