did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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