Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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