i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
