I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize