Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
