my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
